Star Shooter

Tips For Parenting Athletes:

When Your Child Wants To Quit

When your child comes home from practice or a game and wants to quit, how will you react? As parents, it’s up to us to recognize these opportunities as teachable moments. What follows are some insights to consider as you guide your child through a difficult time.

Sleep on it

When emotions are high, it’s best to allow time to cool down.  It’s ok to let them vent their feelings but then explain that quitting is a major decision and major decisions are best made with a cool head. Suggest that both of you “sleep on it” and then, promise to discuss it the next day.
 

 Quitting Affects the TEAM

If quitting is still their desire the next day, it’s important that the consequences of such a decision be discussed. A major concern to address is that quitting during the season affects the entire TEAM. Most athletes don’t view the TEAM as an organization where each member is selected to play a role. They see themselves as “on” the team instead of a “part” of the team.  They need to understand that while some members are called on to compete during the game, others are needed to prepare them to compete as well as play as needed.  Any time someone quits, a “part” of the team is then missing.  During the season, there isn’t enough time to try to replace that person therefore, the team is left shorthanded. 

 
TEAM Similar to a TV Show

A good illustration to cement the TEAM concept is to consider the make-up of a weekly TV program. The cast –those in front of the cameras - are only a small number of all that are involved. It takes writers, directors, designers, cameramen, lighting artists, make-up artists - the list goes on and on.  All have a role – be it large or small - in making the show a success.  It’s the same with an athletic team.

 
The Best Time to Quit / Change Direction

The best time to stop pursuing the goal of perfecting one’s skill in a particular sport is at the end of the season.  At that point, the decision only affects the athlete, not the team. However, before the decision is made to pursue other interests, it’s good to remind the athlete that this is one of those decisions they will remember for the rest of their life.  With that in mind, encourage them to take some time to think about the pros and cons.  Making a list often helps to make the choice more clear.

 
“If I Quit, Will I Let My Parents Down?”

 When an athlete chooses to leave a sport and pursue other interests, even though it’s done appropriately at the end of a season, they often feel they are letting their parent(s) down. Therefore, it’s important to reassure them that they are still loved and respected. Anytime our children take the time to approach a difficult decision in a logical manner, we can be proud.  It demonstrates exactly what we have hoped for in their lives - character and maturity.  

The 1st in a series of 3 articles.

My wife, Joyce, and I have had the privilege of raising fours sons, all of whom were avid athletes. To make matters even more interesting, Dad was often the coach. As we look back at our parenting skills over those days, we often comment on how much we learned about how to communicate with our children. We feel a bit sorry for our oldest son – the guinea pig – as we bumbled along through trial and error. It would have been very helpful if someone had given us a few hints on how to be more effective parents. That’s the reason for this article. I don’t want to come across as an expert. All I have is some experience and I’d like to pass it along.

After The Game - Advocate vs Adversary

An advocate means to “come along side to help”. An adversary means “to come against - as in, attack”. I’m not proud of the fact that after a game, I would often “should” all over our oldest.

“In the fourth quarter, you should’a did this. Then, you could’a did that. If only you would’a . . .”

His response to this type of communication was often negative, especially in the later teen years. Hey, I just wanted to help him get better. But what I didn’t realize was that my “help” was perceived as an ATTACK. What happens when a person is attacked? You guessed it. They either attack back or they retreat. Do they learn whatever nugget of wisdom you were trying to convey? Absolutely not!

Here’s one of the ways I later learned that both helped our son’s game and helped build our relationship as well.

TIP: Compliment and Challenge

Start out with a compliment. Pick out something you saw that was good. Be honest. Don’t make stuff up. Kids know if they’ve done well or not. It may go something like this,

“You did an excellent job distributing the ball tonight. I was impressed at how unselfish you were.”

If you did see some area where they could improve, challenge them.

“I did notice something that may help to improve your game. When you’re ready – not right now –

let me know. I’d like to run it past you and get your opinion.”

By not ATTACKING, the lines of communication are open. By having them come to you, they set the time to listen. By asking their opinion of your idea, you cause them to think through what you are saying. Plus, you don’t come across as the great “know it all” – “my way is the only way”. Both of you are working together, trying to see if there is a way to improve. The parent becomes an advocate – coming along side to help - instead of an adversary. Whenever I used this method, and I did this many times, never once did our sons fail to come back and ask, “Dad, you said you wanted to run something by me that might help my game. What was it?.” When this happens, NOW we have a “teachable moment”. Better yet, we have a moment that “builds” the relationship between parent and child.

Tips for Parenting An Athlete:

 Reacting To The Amount Of Playing Time

“It's not fair. My son/daughter has to practice like everyone else so they should get just as much chance to play.”

As long as parents have athletes competing, playing time will always be an issue.  What follows are my suggestions on how to handle this frustrating situation based on my experience as a parent and a coach.

Tip: Keep the Athlete Out Of The Middle

When a parent asks, “Why doesn’t your coach play you more?”, the athlete is immediately placed in the middle.  They want to make their parents happy but THEY feel they can’t go to the coach and ask for more playing time. The coach may have a rule about complaining or the athlete may feel they just aren’t good enough to deserve more time. This causes considerable stress on the player and has been known to negatively affect their lives in several ways. At times it puts a strain on the parent / child relationship and, as a coach, I’ve also seen performances deteriorate both on the court and in the classroom.

Generally speaking, playing time should be left for coaches to decide because their decisions are based on judging performance during practice. However, in successful programs, game participation is determined by the level of competition.  For instance, at sixth grade level, game time is equally divided; whereas, the closer athletes get to varsity level, a smaller number will receive playing time.  It takes on a funnel affect. 

Tip: Change Policy vs Attack The Coach

 When playing time at the lower levels is an issue, the best way to channel your frustration is to try to change the policy within the organization. By doing this, your efforts will affect ALL athletes  whereas if you challenge the coach directly, it only affects your child.  Find out who is overseeing the league or organization and politely voice your opinion. Inform the coach of your concern as well. If he or she agrees with you, they can make changes immediately whereas policy changes take more time to implement.      

Tip: Encouragement and Perspective Needed At Upper Levels

 Playing time at upper levels is best handled by encouraging the athlete and keeping it in perspective.  When your child gets older, they will always remember how Mom and Dad “were there for them” during a difficult time in their life.

I recall how stressful this issue was on my wife and I when one of our sons was in college. It was during this time he taught us a valuable lesson that we will never forget.  Whereas we wanted him to talk to the coach, he responded with, “Dad, I’m not going to close a door. Some day I may need Coach to help me.” 

Well that day came and that same coach – the one who treated him so unfair in our eyes - gave our son a glowing recommendation that was instrumental in his being chosen for a very good job – a teacher and coach. Yes, sometimes our children see the whole picture better than we parents. 

At least once a month, shooting specialist Jay Wolf will be submitting more tips on parenting - his first series - as well as tips on how to improve your shooting skills.  For more information on his products, go to www,starshooter.net